Improving Communication Skills in your work and personal relationships. It sounds so simple: say what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean. But all too often, what we try to communicate gets lost in translation despite our best intentions. We say one thing, the other person hears something else, and misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts ensue.
Fortunately, you can learn how to communicate more clearly and effectively. Whether you’re trying to improve communication with your spouse, kids, boss, or coworkers, you can improve the communication skills that enable you to effectively connect with others, build trust and respect and feel heard and understood.
What is effective communication?
Communication is about more than just exchanging information. It’s about understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. Effective communication is also a two-way street. It’s not only how you convey a message so that it is received and understood by someone in exactly the way you intended, it’s also how you listen to gain the full meaning of what’s being said and to make the other person feel heard and understood.
More than just the words you use, effective communication combines a set of skills including nonverbal communication, engaged listening, managing stress in the moment, the ability to communicate assertively, and the capacity to recognize and understand your own emotions and those of the person you’re communicating with.
Effective communication is the glue that helps you deepen your connections to others and improve teamwork, decision-making, and problem-solving. It enables you to communicate even negative or difficult messages without creating conflict or destroying trust.
While effective communication is a learned skill, it is more effective when it’s spontaneous rather than formulaic. A speech that is read, for example, rarely has the same impact as a speech that’s delivered (or appears to be delivered) spontaneously. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and spontaneous your communication skills will become.
Improving communication skills #1: Become an engaged listener
People often focus on what they should say, but effective communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding the emotions the speaker is trying to communicate.
Improving communication skills #2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals
When we communicate things that we care about, we do so mainly using nonverbal signals. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and breathing. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.
Improving communication skills #3: Keep stress in check
To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of and in control of your emotions. And that means learning how to manage stress. When you’re stressed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.
Improving communication skills #4: Assert yourself
Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help improve communication, boost self-esteem and decision-making. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others.
Resources and references:
Effective Communication: Improving Your Social Skills – Learn how to communicate more effectively, improve your conversation skills, and be more assertive. (AnxietyBC)
Core Listening Skills – Find tips on how to be a better listener and identify and improve the things that are getting in your way. (SucceedSocially.com)
Effective Communication (PDF) – How to effectively communicate in groups using nonverbal communication and active listening techniques. (University of Maine)
Some Common Communication Mistakes – Overview of common mistakes that get in the way of effective communication and how you can avoid them. (SucceedSocially.com)
Active Listening: Hear What People are Really Saying – Understanding active listening, particularly as it applies to the workplace, and the steps you can take to become an active listener. (MindTools.com)
Effective communication: books
Porges, Stephen W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
Sollier, Pierre (2005). Listening for Wellness: An Introduction to the Tomatis Method. The Mozart Center Press.
Authors: Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A.
Last updated: March 2016.
